*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
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You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?