No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
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A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.