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Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
*lint rolls you awake*
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs