Posting this on behalf of a friend
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I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Mummies are just super modest zombies
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused