Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
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Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.