Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
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I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple