My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
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“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
She: I like Cats
He:
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮