Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
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My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.