Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
You Might Also Like
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Me too, bag. Me too….
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
And that about sums it up.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]