A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
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I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma