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me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit