monday
You Might Also Like
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.