[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
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I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.