Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
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fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough