My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
You Might Also Like
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.