Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
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[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.