Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
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Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”