8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
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Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car