gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
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Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
my fav colour is also hitler
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.