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OH. COME. ON.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Don’t tell me what to do
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here