My diet starts in January
of 2027
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Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.