Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
You Might Also Like
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Meow
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Children of the corn 🌽
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Möther may I have a snäck
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless