If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
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Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Free him
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm