Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
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[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.