People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
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Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad