Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
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<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.