[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
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My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?