me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
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Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*