Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
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If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????