Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
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[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
why I oughta
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?