A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
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Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
S O O N
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”