squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
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Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.