We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
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Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I hate everything
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.