Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
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“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
No way!
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.