I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
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no cat here
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Weighing up my bread heating options
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
still the best tweet of the year by far
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
blocked.