I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
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me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.