“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
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THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
A French press is when you hug naked
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Jogging