Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
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You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
I’d love this…lol
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?