My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
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Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat