Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
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Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Best spoiler warning ever
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”