SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
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I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
If only
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.