JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
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Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*