Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
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Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict