My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
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[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
I can’t wait!
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Trumpy Cat
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”