If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
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Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY