Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
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My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.