[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
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do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
just make the entire table out of coaster
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face