detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
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Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go