Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
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the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old