Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
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trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Oh no
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well